50 Shades of Grey-Yawn

50shadesSheldon: This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
Leonard: Aw, screw the roommate agreement!
Sheldon: No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.

If you want to see some hot bondage action, try Sex and Submission or The Upper Floor. If you want to watch a man who claims to be a Dominant whine and beg for three hours, you might like 50 Shades of Grey.

50 Shades of Grey is another book that I couldn’t quite finish. I did like the scene near the beginning where Christian is buying tape and rope and zip ties, but this bit of mommy porn with a Cinderella plot didn’t do much for me. And not because the sex wasn’t written well or I didn’t like the idea that only emotionally crippled and damaged losers like Christian Grey can possibily enjoy BDSM. No, I didn’t like it because I didn’t like the story.

Our hero, Anastasia Steele, ok, really? Really? Anastasia?? Twenty-four year old virgin, Anastasia, is a college student who does an interview for a sick friend and meets a twenty-seven year old billionaire who instantly falls madly in love with her. Not lust, love. Sure he want to fuck her, hard, but like all love stories, we are lead to believe that he never really lived before he met her. We are told that he never sleeps with women, and promptly sleeps with Ana. We are told he never dates, and promptly dates Ana. We are told that he never ‘plays’ with a woman until she signs a contract, and then watch as he plays with Ana even though she refuses to sign a contract.

Which brings me to the single most annoying aspect of 50 Shades of Grey, Have You Signed The Contact Yet? The real star of 50 Shades of Grey is the Submissive Agreement. Christain whips this out almost as soon as he mets Ana. She reads it and has questions, like, What’s a Submissive? What’s a buttplug? They go over the contract point by point and subsection by subsection and even add a couple of riders.

Oh my god. Did George Lucas sit in on the writing of these scenes? At least they didn’t each have lawyers standing over their shoulders whispering to them.

Ok, this bit of contract porn was not written for me. It’s made half a billion dollars at this writing, so it must be hitting the mark for it’s intended audience. It is a good looking film, even if they did kind of overplay the everything is gray card. It’s like a filmed copy of Archetucural Digest and Martha Stewart’s Living. The Red Room is a little over stylized with every toy stored for maximum display valye.

In the end, Christan beats Anastasia with a belt. This was not something she had on her list of limits. She doesn’t use her safe word during the scene. She then hops up and runs from the room, telling Christian that he will never do anything like that to her again. Christian is understandably confused by this. She leaves in tears and clearly dominates Christian as a parting shot. Which bring another odd note to this mishmash of cliches, Christian spent six years as a Sub and he’s now a Dom.

50 Shades is a great looking film that makes no sense.

Jon Herrera

Jon Herrera

Writer, Photographer, Blogger.
Jon Herrera

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Writer, Photographer, Blogger.

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